Hey, It's Uncle Vick here--
Irv, I know you are readin' this blog. I read the entries every day. They let me use their computer here in jail.
What happened to our family? Ever since the horrible incident last Thanksgiving when Momma shot your fingers off, I've been scratchin' my head. All I try to do is what's right.
And how do you repay me? By stealin' my girlfriend and jumpin' town? By tiein' up my brother and leavin' him naked in a motel? Huh? Dude, you planted my fingerprints, dna, and geez, my business card too - on that woman's body. I've got a photo to prove it. Surprise!
Cryin' shame our family's been torn apart like this. Police won't listen to me, but it'll all come out in the wash. You'll see. Every family gets revenge, right?
You and I were close. I taught you how to play online poker. We had that running joke about the Olsen Twins. Remember? You had no place to live after you dropped out of community college and I let you move in with me and Kwan. Geez, Irv. I baked lemon squares for us on Wednesday nights when "Lost" was on, and we went deer hunting with the neighbors and got to sit in the back of their jeep. Remember?
What you did to me and to my mom and dad is unspeakable. Plane crash? Yeah, right.
I've got lots of time to think in this jail cell. And to plan...
Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Rain Rain
Hi, it's Kwan!
Life can change overnight, it's true!
Irv is strong, and in the end he was able to get the gun away from his dad when his dad dozed off. He left his dad in the room with no clothes, tied to the bed, with duct tape over his mouth.
We hit the road this morning. I realized that love is real. We had to put the top up on the Corvette when the rain started. Irv showed me how to scream in the car to get rid of your rage. We took turns.
He told me he hated that he was 38 and had no career, and then he roared for 30 seconds and shook his head.
I said I hated that no one took me seriously because I'm an asian woman and that I'm smarter than most of the white dudes out there, and then I screamed for a really long time! It felt so good. I went hoarse. I shook my arms and kicked my legs.
The Corvette was roaring up the I-5 and the rain was pelting the windshield.
Irv said he hated Republicans and the way people in power screw everyone no matter what you do, and then Irv shouted and roared again.
We were laughing hysterically.
I said I hated how fucked up this country has gotten and there's no healthcare and I hated Uncle Vick and then I screamed again.
Irv covered his ears, the Corvette swerved in the rain, and we stopped laughing while Irv regained control of the car.
We just got to my girlfriend's house here in San Francisco. While Irv was in the bathroom my two girlfriends from Vietnam said they agreed he was a hunk. They're making dinner for us. I'm so happy. I'm going to start campaigning for Congress right away and Irv's going to help me.
Irv seems to like the guy that lives next door a lot. The guy said hello and then dropped over and invited himself to dinner. Am I silly to be jealous?
Kwan
Life can change overnight, it's true!
Irv is strong, and in the end he was able to get the gun away from his dad when his dad dozed off. He left his dad in the room with no clothes, tied to the bed, with duct tape over his mouth.
We hit the road this morning. I realized that love is real. We had to put the top up on the Corvette when the rain started. Irv showed me how to scream in the car to get rid of your rage. We took turns.
He told me he hated that he was 38 and had no career, and then he roared for 30 seconds and shook his head.
I said I hated that no one took me seriously because I'm an asian woman and that I'm smarter than most of the white dudes out there, and then I screamed for a really long time! It felt so good. I went hoarse. I shook my arms and kicked my legs.
The Corvette was roaring up the I-5 and the rain was pelting the windshield.
Irv said he hated Republicans and the way people in power screw everyone no matter what you do, and then Irv shouted and roared again.
We were laughing hysterically.
I said I hated how fucked up this country has gotten and there's no healthcare and I hated Uncle Vick and then I screamed again.
Irv covered his ears, the Corvette swerved in the rain, and we stopped laughing while Irv regained control of the car.
We just got to my girlfriend's house here in San Francisco. While Irv was in the bathroom my two girlfriends from Vietnam said they agreed he was a hunk. They're making dinner for us. I'm so happy. I'm going to start campaigning for Congress right away and Irv's going to help me.
Irv seems to like the guy that lives next door a lot. The guy said hello and then dropped over and invited himself to dinner. Am I silly to be jealous?
Kwan
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Silk Shirt Doodah
Hello out there in TVland--
I'm Lonnie Rorg. I'm a private investigator. Before that, I was a male nurse. I had a motorcycle accident and had to give up nursing in 1998. I'm not able to fully bend over.
Anyway, my son, Irv, and his girlfriend, Connie, and I are holed up in this lovely room here on the I-5. We are not leaving here until I get my son to finally tell the truth. He drives the girls and now I find out, the boys, wild with his good looks, but he has a hard time tellin' the truth.
We Rorgs are good men. Basically. Y'know? I mean, as good as men are able to be. My son, Irv, framed my brother Vick with that body buried in the backyard. I know this because I investigate for a living. Mostly I follow cheatin' husbands and lovers of straights and gays, when their spouses find strange hairs on their coats or phone numbers on torn pieces of paper.
Why do I investigate? Well...because there's always a story deeper than what you see, right? Nothing anyone says is what it seems. No, that's not paranoid, it's true! My parents were like that - may they rest in peace. They'd tell me and Vick things when we were kids that later turned out to be false. Like, we had money in our college funds. Or, "the dental industry is a scam."
Now, my son, Irv, is tellin' whoppers and it's got to stop. But he won't budge. We've spent hours in here, eatin' delivery pizzas. I wish I'd made it to the Labor Day Barbecue because I was going to straighten out my son right then and there. But I got delayed because I dropped my car keys, and like I said, I can't bend over.
Anyway, I wish I'd brought an extra shirt. This green silk number ain't holdin' up as the days tick on and on. And I can't really hold poor Connie here anymore. She's angry at us Rorgs. She says she's wasted time with us that she should be spendin' campaignin'.
But I got the gun. And my son's behavior has gotta stop here. Problem is, I'm takin' No-Doze and I need to Doze, if ya know what I mean. I'm not young anymore.
I want Irv to confess.
Lonnie Rorg, PI
I'm Lonnie Rorg. I'm a private investigator. Before that, I was a male nurse. I had a motorcycle accident and had to give up nursing in 1998. I'm not able to fully bend over.
Anyway, my son, Irv, and his girlfriend, Connie, and I are holed up in this lovely room here on the I-5. We are not leaving here until I get my son to finally tell the truth. He drives the girls and now I find out, the boys, wild with his good looks, but he has a hard time tellin' the truth.
We Rorgs are good men. Basically. Y'know? I mean, as good as men are able to be. My son, Irv, framed my brother Vick with that body buried in the backyard. I know this because I investigate for a living. Mostly I follow cheatin' husbands and lovers of straights and gays, when their spouses find strange hairs on their coats or phone numbers on torn pieces of paper.
Why do I investigate? Well...because there's always a story deeper than what you see, right? Nothing anyone says is what it seems. No, that's not paranoid, it's true! My parents were like that - may they rest in peace. They'd tell me and Vick things when we were kids that later turned out to be false. Like, we had money in our college funds. Or, "the dental industry is a scam."
Now, my son, Irv, is tellin' whoppers and it's got to stop. But he won't budge. We've spent hours in here, eatin' delivery pizzas. I wish I'd made it to the Labor Day Barbecue because I was going to straighten out my son right then and there. But I got delayed because I dropped my car keys, and like I said, I can't bend over.
Anyway, I wish I'd brought an extra shirt. This green silk number ain't holdin' up as the days tick on and on. And I can't really hold poor Connie here anymore. She's angry at us Rorgs. She says she's wasted time with us that she should be spendin' campaignin'.
But I got the gun. And my son's behavior has gotta stop here. Problem is, I'm takin' No-Doze and I need to Doze, if ya know what I mean. I'm not young anymore.
I want Irv to confess.
Lonnie Rorg, PI
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Last Night
Kwan again --
Is that what love does? Blinds you? I guess that's true, because last night Irv's father got out of the red Prius and pressed a police badge against our motel window. Irv was in bed, and I had come out of the motel bathroom (as you know, that's where I like to blog).
Irv yelled: "Stay down!"
I threw myself to the floor, and let me tell you, motel carpeting is not a pretty place to be.
That's when the door got kicked in and in bursts this guy that looks just like Vick, holding a handgun. Balding. Pudgy. Only Irv's dad has a gray goatee and he's wearing a green silk shirt and black jeans. Dark sunglasses too. And it's NIGHT.
God, I thought. Will Irv look like this guy in 20 years? This family is nuts. You're right, reader Susan. What am I doing?? I want to run for Congress and I'm involved with this messed up stuff? Irv is BI for Chrissake. How am I supposed to compete with another man, if Irv swings the other way?
I got all these realizations sprawled on the motel carpet behind the bed in front of the bathroom.
Irv's dad closed the door behind him.
We've been locked in here together all day today. It was horrible. I don't know whether to believe father or son.
Love. It's a fantasy we decide to have, right?
I can't write anymore now. I want to say more, but I've been given the "evil eye."
Kwan
Is that what love does? Blinds you? I guess that's true, because last night Irv's father got out of the red Prius and pressed a police badge against our motel window. Irv was in bed, and I had come out of the motel bathroom (as you know, that's where I like to blog).
Irv yelled: "Stay down!"
I threw myself to the floor, and let me tell you, motel carpeting is not a pretty place to be.
That's when the door got kicked in and in bursts this guy that looks just like Vick, holding a handgun. Balding. Pudgy. Only Irv's dad has a gray goatee and he's wearing a green silk shirt and black jeans. Dark sunglasses too. And it's NIGHT.
God, I thought. Will Irv look like this guy in 20 years? This family is nuts. You're right, reader Susan. What am I doing?? I want to run for Congress and I'm involved with this messed up stuff? Irv is BI for Chrissake. How am I supposed to compete with another man, if Irv swings the other way?
I got all these realizations sprawled on the motel carpet behind the bed in front of the bathroom.
Irv's dad closed the door behind him.
We've been locked in here together all day today. It was horrible. I don't know whether to believe father or son.
Love. It's a fantasy we decide to have, right?
I can't write anymore now. I want to say more, but I've been given the "evil eye."
Kwan
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Kwan Song
Kwan speaking--
I have never been in love like this before! I have never been in love period. Is this what it is like? We drove 340 miles today. We were so happy we sang Barry Manilow songs off Irv's Ipod. We had the top down on our new car and I undid my hair in back and it flowed behind me like I was on a poster!
The last time my hair flowed behind me like that was when the Coast Guard stopped our refugee boat outside of Honolulu and transported us all to processing. I sat in back of the police boat and tears squeezed from my eyes when I remembered the family I had left behind, before the coast guard man told me I would get my hair caught in the engine if I didn't move inside the vessel.
Today I cried tears of joy. The police determined that Vick had killed the social worker they found buried in the backyard. On her body they found Vick's DNA ,and his fingerprints, and his business card.
We heard on Sirius Radio that the cops no longer wanted us for questioning.
We will be in San Francisco tomorrow. I will run for Congress. I knew when Irv made love to me on paper towels that I had found my "Ishi," my soul mate.
I must sign off now. I have a shiver. A red Prius has pulled into the motel driveway...
Kwan
I have never been in love like this before! I have never been in love period. Is this what it is like? We drove 340 miles today. We were so happy we sang Barry Manilow songs off Irv's Ipod. We had the top down on our new car and I undid my hair in back and it flowed behind me like I was on a poster!
The last time my hair flowed behind me like that was when the Coast Guard stopped our refugee boat outside of Honolulu and transported us all to processing. I sat in back of the police boat and tears squeezed from my eyes when I remembered the family I had left behind, before the coast guard man told me I would get my hair caught in the engine if I didn't move inside the vessel.
Today I cried tears of joy. The police determined that Vick had killed the social worker they found buried in the backyard. On her body they found Vick's DNA ,and his fingerprints, and his business card.
We heard on Sirius Radio that the cops no longer wanted us for questioning.
We will be in San Francisco tomorrow. I will run for Congress. I knew when Irv made love to me on paper towels that I had found my "Ishi," my soul mate.
I must sign off now. I have a shiver. A red Prius has pulled into the motel driveway...
Kwan
Friday, September 14, 2007
Un-Depressed
Irv here. I’m the one who started this blog, but it’s everyone else that writes in it! Not so lonely anymore.
We’re at a gas station under bright white fluorescents. Since both the cops and my dad are following us, obviously I won’t say where we are. I just did 100 pushups. My finger stubs are itching like my two fingers are still there.
We ditched my Honda. Lost my dad, too. Ha Ha.
Kwan likes our new car. She picked it out.
Funny, but I’m not depressed anymore. I’m finally taking action in my life – instead of wasting time living with my psycho uncle.
Although, my psycho uncle was right! This sissy blog was a good idea. People read it! That chick that said Kwan should wait until I’m asleep and steal the car – made us both laugh!
Kwan isn’t my hostage – she’s with me by choice
Hear that, Uncle Vick? I made love to your girlfriend last night in our new car. Her idea, too -- on a roll of paper towels. Hear that? I’m not gay.
Not “not gay” like Senator Larry Craig. Dude spreads his feet farther than if he were at the gynecologist’s office. At least, I admit I’m bi. Best of both worlds.
And Kwan and I – we got plans. I’m gonna help her run for Congress when we get where we’re going. I’ll work for her! Yeah, that’s right – me with a job...in politics. The Democrats need people like us.
Uncle Vick is a liar. There is no proof I killed those people.
Irv
We’re at a gas station under bright white fluorescents. Since both the cops and my dad are following us, obviously I won’t say where we are. I just did 100 pushups. My finger stubs are itching like my two fingers are still there.
We ditched my Honda. Lost my dad, too. Ha Ha.
Kwan likes our new car. She picked it out.
Funny, but I’m not depressed anymore. I’m finally taking action in my life – instead of wasting time living with my psycho uncle.
Although, my psycho uncle was right! This sissy blog was a good idea. People read it! That chick that said Kwan should wait until I’m asleep and steal the car – made us both laugh!
Kwan isn’t my hostage – she’s with me by choice
Hear that, Uncle Vick? I made love to your girlfriend last night in our new car. Her idea, too -- on a roll of paper towels. Hear that? I’m not gay.
Not “not gay” like Senator Larry Craig. Dude spreads his feet farther than if he were at the gynecologist’s office. At least, I admit I’m bi. Best of both worlds.
And Kwan and I – we got plans. I’m gonna help her run for Congress when we get where we’re going. I’ll work for her! Yeah, that’s right – me with a job...in politics. The Democrats need people like us.
Uncle Vick is a liar. There is no proof I killed those people.
Irv
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Follow Up Report From Social Services
Hello Irv-- It's me, Cynthia, your social worker again.
I was hoping you would return to Vick Rorg's house with Kwan, but no one has heard from you in days.
The police dug up the corner of Vick Rorg's backyard and found the body of the missing social worker from last Thanksgiving. They arrested Vick Rorg last night at his place of employment. The house is now under police quarantine.
They have a description of your Honda, of you and Kwan, and of your father's red Prius.
I must admit, I've been drinking pretty heavily since the Labor Day Barbecue. I've never had a shotgun pointed at me, and consequently, I can't stop thinking about you.
I guess I love you. Maybe it's the rum talking, but I love you, Irv Rorg. You're young and muscular and troubled. You have questionable sexuality, and you have low self-esteem. My gray hair is hanging over my eyes as I write this. How could you love an old woman like me?
I'd follow you out to the desert if I knew where to find you. That hot sun beating down on the two of us together. I'd help to fix you, you misguided social outcast. I love you, Irv. I love you.
Whewwww....I just fell off my couch. Did I say I love you? Well, I do! I just do! I'd sit you on my knee and bounce you up and down and make you laugh. Gawd, I've got to stop drinking. That's how I lost my last job.
Irv, come back to me. We only just met, but I know we were meant to be together!
I've got to go now, my love. Super Nanny is on. I'm kissing this bottle and pretending it is you!
I was hoping you would return to Vick Rorg's house with Kwan, but no one has heard from you in days.
The police dug up the corner of Vick Rorg's backyard and found the body of the missing social worker from last Thanksgiving. They arrested Vick Rorg last night at his place of employment. The house is now under police quarantine.
They have a description of your Honda, of you and Kwan, and of your father's red Prius.
I must admit, I've been drinking pretty heavily since the Labor Day Barbecue. I've never had a shotgun pointed at me, and consequently, I can't stop thinking about you.
I guess I love you. Maybe it's the rum talking, but I love you, Irv Rorg. You're young and muscular and troubled. You have questionable sexuality, and you have low self-esteem. My gray hair is hanging over my eyes as I write this. How could you love an old woman like me?
I'd follow you out to the desert if I knew where to find you. That hot sun beating down on the two of us together. I'd help to fix you, you misguided social outcast. I love you, Irv. I love you.
Whewwww....I just fell off my couch. Did I say I love you? Well, I do! I just do! I'd sit you on my knee and bounce you up and down and make you laugh. Gawd, I've got to stop drinking. That's how I lost my last job.
Irv, come back to me. We only just met, but I know we were meant to be together!
I've got to go now, my love. Super Nanny is on. I'm kissing this bottle and pretending it is you!
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