Saturday, December 15, 2007

A Lawyer's Insertion

Good Evening,

I am Bing Crescent.  I am lawyer and I am also an actor.  I understand this blog is read by many people, some in Los Angeles, and I want them to know I am available for auditions.  Leave a message here and I can send you my digital presskit.  I have appeared in "Bay Watch Australia," as "Little Keith," the mentally challenged surfer.  I had no lines, but I received lots of mail.  I appeared in CSI: Miami, as the body found floating face down in a hot tub.  I was in the Lanacane Ointment ads (my back was, anyway).  I am 6'2, African American, devastatingly handsome (I've been told) and work out every day.   I can sing and I'm in SAG.

As a lawyer, I represent Irv Rorg.  Irv is set to go before the judge December 21.  Irv is accused of stabbing his uncle with the intent to kill, but my client's position is he stabbed his uncle in self-defense.

I am 30 and I am a partner in my own law firm.  In the past I have been involved in cases against CBS News, Liza Minnelli, and Toyota.  All 3 cases settled before going to trial.  

My law firm specializes in class action suits, libel and slander claims, and family manslaughter cases.

The other partner in my firm is a recovered heroin addict and former German child-star, turned lawyer, Sandy Wund.

Anyone with any information regarding the stabbing at the Pole Dancing Palace on Castro Street described earlier in this blog, please contact me by leaving a comment.

Yours Sincerely,
Bing Crescent

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Hey Dudes - Blog it!

Hey man,

I locked myself in the administration office and the dude with the pointy sideburns is bangin' on the glass, and the cop lover of his is lookin through his desk for his keys.

I got the Blog Machine!

My name's Christian.  I'm in jail cuz of Road Rage.  I get it real bad.  It's like a disease.  What's bad is I drive a van for "Seniors On The Go" municipal senior transport services.

Last Monday I was drivin' a 92 year old woman back from a knee replacement checkup when this ass drivin' an SUV bigger than Rhode Island cuts me off out by Golden Gate National Cemetery!  

I couldn't let him get away with that!  I followed him through the Park and onto the Golden Gate Bridge.  He slowed down to teach me a lesson, you know how some people think when an angry driver is behind them tailgatin' them they should slow down and teach that driver a lesson?  Well, he did, so I rammed him!  Over and Over.  We exited the bridge and he crashed into the toll booth and I went through a security fence.  

The 92 year old woman, Sylvia, as they were loadin' her onto the ambulance, said she never had so much fun in all her life and that her knee was just fine.  

So, here I am in jail sharin' a cell with that Irv guy who stabbed his uncle.

Shit, they got the keys to this office and they're pissed at me.  gotta go!!


Saturday, December 8, 2007

Starting Over

Irv reporting --

I wonder if a person can really start over?  

Most people are out doing Christmas shopping right now.  Me?  I'm in the County Jail.  What better place to make New Year's Resolutions, right?

My arresting officer was James.  He likes me and I like him.  He helped me out before.  He said he'd watch out for me now...but that I'd have to get a lawyer.

As much as I like James,  I don't see him too often, and I'm in a holding cell with two other "criminals."

I've got sweatpants, tennis shoes, and a pullover and jean jacket that James got me.  James is Italian.  He's got a mustache and he works out every day.  He's gotta be tough to run this jail.
He lets me use his computer to make my entries.

To everybody reading this blog, I am sick and tired of all the crap I've been through.  The cops were out by the barn where Marcus, the fat kid, had kept me all those days, somewhere in the Napa Valley.  I yelled and shouted and the cops came in and found Marcus dressed up in a straw apron and cooking what he called "wedding omelets" for me.

The cops took Marcus in for questioning, and they arrested me.  Seems that the sister of the social worker I buried in the backyard a year ago last Thanksgiving has been reading this blog and has accused me of the murder of her sister (which I didn't do).  Oh yah, and I stabbed Uncle Vick at the Pole Dancing Palace (which I did do), and my father was shot (which I didn't do). 

I don't care anymore.  I want to start over.  I'll go through whatever legal trial or incarceration I have to, and then I'm going to go back to work as a stunt man, or try some new career.  I'm going to completely divorce myself from my family.

James says I can do it.  I can start over again.  He said he gave up steroids after he threw a desk across a parking lot one summer on 'roid rage.  

I don't think I'm a psycho like the other members of my family.  I'm sorry I stabbed my uncle. I'll never stab anyone again.  

I'm giving up my past.  I'll get out of jail.  I'm meeting my lawyer tomorrow.  

I've got to believe I can change my life.


Sunday, December 2, 2007

Stand By My Man

I'm Marcus--

I resent being referred to as "the fat kid."  Yes, even by you, Irv.  You are my best friend and I love you with all of my heart, but you can think of something nicer to call me.  I've always dreamed of being called "Montana."  Maybe from now on, you can call me Montana...or Splendido!

I'm glad that Thanksgiving is over.  Irv was very nervous.  We smoked pot to calm him down and we watched a lot of Fear Factor from my DVD collection.  Irv loves Fear Factor because he used to be a stunt man.  He likes the episode where the girl eats porridge made of giant worm larvae and then has to swim through sewage drains under a freeway.

Irv wants to leave my "undisclosed location."  Especially, since the weather has gotten cold.  I told him, no.  He'll get arrested and all he did was defend himself.  Irv says he meant to stab his uncle, but I say it was self-defense from all those years of putting up with such a rude bastard of a guardian.

Irv is mad at me.  He says if I really loved him, I'd let him go free.  I told him, I love him more than anything, that's why I made him that sweater and boxer shorts.  He won't wear the shorts because he says they scratch him.  Well, I don't know how to soften straw.  That's all there is around here!

Nobody is going to take my Irv away from me.  Not even Irv.  I've saved him.  He's mine.  He's mine!  He's so handsome.

I never liked that Kwan.  And I don't think spleens need to be transplanted.  Aren't they supposed to be unnecessary??

It's getting windy outside.  The wind whistles throught the cracks in the wall here.  The cops came by once but they didn't see us.  I've got to go wrap Irv up so he stays warm.  Maybe he'll let me kiss him again!

Marcus "Montana"