The Baby is Yours...

My mother is asleep right now, so I can finally write something. 

Kwan here.

San Jose in the summertime is not where I wanted to be...ever. The traffic behind Santana Row is ridiculous.

Irv, you have to be the father. Your Uncle Vick wasn't much in bed. Okay, he was nothing in bed. He would snort and growl and bounce up and down, and he'd whistle, and use his hands and he'd sweat too much and sometimes pass out, but he did nothing...I repeat...NOTHING...that could make him the father of this baby!

It could only be you, Irv. Those doctors were wrong about you and that thresher accident. 

My mother tried to levitate herself yesterday after the ABC news with that handsome David Muir. She was trying to see into the future. She ate three zucchini squash and smoked a cigarette bigger than a hot dog, but she never left the floor. I love her and her quaint old ways. But of course, she's an idiot.

God, I wish this baby would come. It's due any day.

Kwan

My Mouth Is Still Numb!

My name is Agosto DeRoglio, I'm a satellite TV repairman, and I had a crown put in my mouth last week. I used 1-800-CrownIt, the free dental crown referral service that advertises on TV. 

NEVER. NEVER use them!  My mouth is still numb! I was lyin' in the chair after this tough lookin' woman gave me a shot, and she's fittin' me for my new crown, and in walks this big guy with slashes in his beard and a tank top and a tattoo of I don't know what on his arm! She screams and spins me around to block the big guy from jumpin' at her! I'm screamin' only nothin' is comin' out because my mouth is numb and water is sprayin' everywhere.

The big guy lunges at the tough dental woman and she stabs him with this little dental implement, maybe the thing with the hook on it. She turns on her little drill and pushes it into his right ear.

The receptionist runs in and they all fell on the floor, fightin'. I jumped out of my chair and ran out of that office and into the street. I was screamin' and shoutin' and almost got hit by a hybrid car that was speedin' down the boulevard.  The driver hit the brakes and the car spun around twice and my mouth was still numb but I hollered for Jesus anyway.

I still don't got no crown. I'm gonna sue that dental woman. I'm gonna go on 60 minutes. I've got a rubber earplug jammed in my tooth until I can find another dentist. 

A REAL one this time!

Agosto D.

Confused

Irv here--

So often I turn to this blog when I don't know what to do.

There is no working air-conditioning in this residential hotel.  The place you don't want to be during a heat wave in California is Bakersfield. It's 10 Squillion degrees outside right now. I've got my shirt off and some chollos whistled at me from the street. Guess they like the pointy sideburns that do a right angle above my jaw and point at my mouth. Was cool in 1970 and it's cool now, I guess.

I'm smokin' a joint right now. Kwan, we had a great talk on the phone last night, but I still want that DNA test. Doctors told me I couldn't have kids after my wheat thresher accident in '99.  It was a horrible movie I was workin' on and they needed a stunt guy to drive the mobile wheat thresher in that car chase on the garlic field. Who knew wheat threshers would tip over at speeds above twenty miles per hour? 

I've got all my parts, as you know, Kwan, but I fell pretty hard and the doctors did tests and I'm not supposed to be able to have kids.

What if Vick is right?  You're nine months pregnant so that goes back to the time when I took you away from him...

I guess the DNA test will tell us.  I'm glad your mother put a curse on Uncle Vick.  Maybe that will hold him back better than a restraining order.

I'll be up to see you as soon as I can. I don't have any money. The Mental Health Center owes me three weeks back pay.

It's a great night to toke up and look up at the sky and wish you were anyone else but who you are.

Irv

A Restraining Order Is Not Love

This has got to be the screwiest blog I've ever read or written in! 

Look, I'm Kate Marie. I'm a dentist and I'm a lesbian, and yeah, I've got great teeth.

Gays Get Married Today in California! Right on!

Vick Rorg says he's been spending a lot of time at my place...yeah! Stalking me!  I filed for a restraining order on the a-hole. He was sitting inside my hedge on Sunday! Who sits inside a hedge all morning? Who?

Yeah, his heart is full for ME. I'm a dyke, Vick!  A real honest to goodness butch...with jet black hair and great teeth.

I belong to the Gay Gun Club, so I'm not afraid to protect my house and my lawn.  Yeah, and I have night vision goggles, okay, Victor?

Helped him shave fashion circles in his beard? Yeah. More like attacked him with my electric shaver.  He might think those things look like circles but they look like random gashes to me. Not pretty.

You bet I'm angry! My sister is dead and was buried in this pig's backyard and nobody goes to jail? He's runnin' around lose makin' babies and freakin' out good people?

I've got a crown to do on a satellite TV repairman at 4:30, so I've gotta sign off.

Are all you cops who have written in this blog asleep at the wheel? What is wrong with this country? Nothing works! Nothing!

Kate Marie

California Marriage Is For Everyone!

The Devil Girl

I am Zu Li. I am the mother to Kwan.  

Kwan sleeps now. The curtains are drawn. Her room is dark. San Jose is dark.  

Rise evil spirits 

Rise to me 

Talk your talkings to old Zu Li  

Wait!! I must cough! ....There. That is better. I have Drafty House disease. Kwan calls it emphysema.  

Wait! ...There...  

Pregnant Girl Potion 

she drink last night 

Who is father? 

I must fight  

I write the words as well as sing them, Kwan. I have just done the Dancing of the Uterus. I even used the cymbal and gong. I am wearing four towels. Four sacred bath scarves.  

No! Don't wake up! The spell will break! No! NO!  

CRAP! Forgive me, spirits. I will go watch Intervention...and be patient...and wait

Captain Uncle Vick!

Well..well...

I see we're all back in bidness!  At least, we were.  It's me: Uncle Vick!

What's the matter, Irv? Stunned because you think you're a daddy?  What makes you think it's yours, huh?  I was with Kwannie before you came along...and during...  

Makes me laugh.  Me, a father.  No kids of my own until now. Ha!  I'll get the kid health insurance with Complete Wrap.  Yeah, I've kept my job through everything.  Even if a body's been in prison, they'll keep you on.  

So, you came lookin' for me back at the house, did ya?  Lawn needs mowin' , huh?  That's a shame we missed each other.  You see, I've been spendin' a lot of my time with a woman named, Kate Marie.  She needs consoling.  And my heart is full of love.

I need consoling, too.  I'm a father but I don't know where my unborn child is bein' kept.  But I'll find out.  Ah, Google.  By the time you freakin' read this, I'll have everyone's social security number, parking space number, and body fat ratio.  

You should see my new beard.  Kate Marie helped me shave a couple of circles the size of dimes below my lower lip.  Wasn't that nice?  I look real hip now.  

Kwannie likes her baby daddy to be real hip!

I wish you could see me smilin' right now. With these beard circles I look like a grinnin' swiss cheese.

I want that baby to kiss his Uncle Vick right on the lips!

Irv, Is That Really You?

Irv? If that really is you...it's Kwan.
This blog was locked up so long. Thanks for reactivating the original password. Or, thanks to whoever your hacker friend was.

I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm pregnant! The baby is yours.

God, one moment I'm living my dream, running for Congress, and the next I'm knocked up, washed up in politics, and living with my mother, Zu Li in San Jose. Help me, please! My mother is crazy. She sees spirits in my belly and claims when she turns the lights out at night the spirits glow yellow and tell her my baby must go back to Vietnam to be born. She makes me drink a "pregnant girl" potion she makes from roots and Pepsi and God-knows-what-else! Help me, Irv!

So much for your "condoms from Target!"

I've got to go now. My mother has "Intervention" on A&E blasting in the other room. She fell asleep again, I'm sure.

Please write me, since your cell number doesn't work anymore.

Kwan

At Last! A Return...

It's Irv--

Four months later.  I tried to access this blog a few times but someone changed the password. I'm in Bakersfield, I don't mind sayin'.  I never went back to Los Angeles.  

Well, just once, I did.  I was going to settle things with Uncle Vick, at last.  When I got to his house, there was no one there.  The grass was overgrown in the front yard.  No cars parked in the driveway.  No lights.  But, the furniture was inside.  I looked through the kitchen window.

So, I came back to Bakersfield.  This is my home now.  I've started a new life.  I work at a mental health free clinic.  I'm the janitor.  I live in a long-term residential hotel downtown.

I withdrew from the world.  I withdrew from other people.  They all make me tired.  Everyone is selfish and everyone is clammoring for someone to pay attention to them.  That's America.  Land of the "Look at me!" and "More More More!"

That crap almost killed me.  I did 200 situps today. 

I don't know where Kwan, or Uncle Vick, or that fat kid, or anyone from last year is now.  

I've got to go.  I'm using the free clinic's office computer.  I have to mop up the group therapy room.  

I won't say I'm happy.  I will say that writing in this blog again makes me nervous.  I should never have done it.  Blogs and computers and television and cell phones and cities...it all pushes you back to hysteria.  And if you've been reading this blog, you know what hysteria can do.

I should never have gotten the psychotherapist to hack back into this blog for me.  I should just stop and erase all this.  But instead, I push the "publish" button...

Irv