Saturday, June 13, 2009

A Pediatrician

My name is Dr. Son Ye Quinn. And please, if I hear one more "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman" joke, I will stab myself with my pen!

I am the pediatrician for Sy Rorg, 7 months old. I examined him on June 4, 2009 and found him to be physically normal and healthy for a baby his age.

Mentally, however, he attempted to remove my wedding ring. Not like some babies, who enjoy shiny objects and coo. He grabbed my finger and with admirable dexterity unusual for a baby, grabbed my wedding band with both tiny hands, bit my finger so that I required stitches later, and pulled my wedding ring off of my finger when I screamed in pain.

The baby put the ring in his mouth and swallowed! He didn't accidentally swallow. He swallowed with intent, and then laughed and laughed and then burped.

I picked him up, and using a technique developed in Norway, I held him upside down (which caused his mother cry out and call for the nurse) I held him by his feet and patted his behind gently until he coughed up the ring and it clacked on the floor.

I have been treating this baby for psychosis, and his is the worst case I have ever seen.  The baby has learned several dirty words and repeats them quite clearly over and over. He called me a "cow ass."

We ran a second paternity test on the infant with a strand from Irv Rorg's hair and the test came out positive for Irv Rorg contradicting the first test run last Autumn. Positive for Irv Rorg despite Irv Rorg's history of a terrible wheat thresher accident which supposedly had rendered him unable to sire children. 

We called the hospital in San Jose and found out that the DNA test they ran last year had been contaminated and that a large man with a pot belly and a beard calling himself "Uncle Vick" had tampered with the test DNA and tampered with the administering nurse, as well.

I have a hard job and I hate having stitches on my fingertip and I take the stairs every day and certainly do not have a "cow ass."

Dr. Quinn

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